Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I’m just as confused as you are.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors