Your honor, I refer you to the precedent setting landmark case of Smelt It vs Dealt It.
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“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
stand with me against insufficient seating
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.