Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
