Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Why is everyone getting married at me
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.