Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.
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Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
💀💀💀💀
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.