Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.

The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

never compromise your values

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.