Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
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Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
A family that plays together cheats.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*