When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Dear Lord..
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial