Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately

chief: anything we can do?

detective: sure, lock homes

when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.