your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
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Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*watches the world burn*
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Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
*launders Kohls cash*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.