your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
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Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Dead
Alive
Other✔
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
I might carry a baby with one hand.
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It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat