Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.

Every. Single. Time.

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

[Waiting at the dentist]

*leans over to stranger*

I’ll clean your teeth for half price.

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?