Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
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To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
