Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
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Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Uh oh…
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Well, this certainly took a turn
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.