Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Dear toilet paper companies

I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

this has to be peak English