Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”

*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?