Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

[ugly sweater contest]

*starts sweating*

*takes home the gold*

Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”

RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.

I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

Is this:

A. A blue shark

B. A leopard shark

C. A pelagic thresher

D. None of the above

DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!

me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?