Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
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Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.