Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 years

BEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.