Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
*praying for world peace*
God:
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Follow me for more recipes
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot