Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”