Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease