Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises