Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I bet
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit