Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
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Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Sign of the day..
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Green is just blue that someone peed in