your honor my client chooses dare
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Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
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Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio