your honor my client chooses dare
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I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Friends that check up on you >
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
それは草
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person