your honor my client chooses dare
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Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely