Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
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Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way