Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting