Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

Mike is short for Micycle

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.

You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣

When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options