Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

ㅤ

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.

PARAMEDICS: …

Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.

My neighbor is PISSED.

I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard