your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
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trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.