“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
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“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Daughter: [giving me attitude]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Daughter: Dad I’m 24.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”