Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
You Might Also Like
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.