Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
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[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off