Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
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R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No