Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.

Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.

All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree