Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Good morning
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.