your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
How dude HOW?!
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.