Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
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THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …