Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂🐾

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]

ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it

*elephant crushes car*

why did I name you Stompy