Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
You Might Also Like
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30