Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.

I have 2 words for you:

Waffle.
Pants.

Also, I may be high from paint fumes.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :