Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?

Wife: do you even know his name anymore?

Me: yes wife of course I know his name.

someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.

someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.