Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
are they though??
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.