Your honor these allegations are
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me if I was a dog
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.