Your honor these allegations are
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Had an epiphany today.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place