Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
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You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Saturday
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.