Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

Me: You just sat on my glasses.

Husband: *Stands up* What?

Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?

Falls for it every time.

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!

[20 years later]

mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*

Me: Not interested.

*driving by hot chick*

Me: Maybe just a quick glance.

*driving by any home with an open garage*

Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬

I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).