Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

Potatoes were such a good idea

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

*5.30 a.m.*

6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.

Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.

6: How many people live in our neighborhood?

Me: GO BACK TO BED!

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.