your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.