your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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My circle of trust is a meatball
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
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Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”