Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

[first day at prestigious culinary school]

“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Me: If you could sleep with —

Wife: Ryan Reynolds!

Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

can’t bark with your mouth full

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.