Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
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When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.