Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

[interview]

What is your biggest weakness?

“Sometimes I’m too succinct”

Can you give an example?

“Yes”

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Is this the real life?
Is this just

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

date: what do you do

me: i run a non-profit

date: which charity?

me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.

An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

[Dog Court]

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.

*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.