Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

(Gaming support cat.)

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god