Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
You Might Also Like
murder on the timeline
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
they should invent a hydrating liquor
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.