Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
You Might Also Like
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense