Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how much for the angry fruit?

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Looking for a date, he must

-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long

If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

Life with a cat in one tweet

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

*seductively peels off lederhosen

“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.

crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name