Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Lassie, get help!
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.