Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.