Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!