Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud
*opened popsicles
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh