Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
You Might Also Like
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter