Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
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My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
felt that
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here