Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
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Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
No, I don’t think I will.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me