Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound