Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
You Might Also Like
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”