Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
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If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
road rage
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…