Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I can’t eat all of that!”

… and other lies I tell

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?

My favorite sport ? Lasagna

The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.

Someone isn’t trying.

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.