Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot

X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

🤫

[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]

Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

John Lennon: imagine all the people

Me: ew

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.

So, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!

Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.

4: Why?

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.

~Dogs.

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?

Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants

Her: Like something naughty though

Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.