Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
the Monday after daylight savings
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.