@TheMichaelRock

Your kid is allergic to gluten? Big deal. Mine are allergic to putting things back where they belong.

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@skittle624

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

@BillyCorben

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

@Elizasoul80

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

@Sassafrantz

Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]

@HatfieldAnne

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

@awesomeseank

Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and “we’ll see what happens” is considered inappropriate.

@InnocentMarina6

You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..

@dire_beard

I once accidentally started a flash mob when I thought a spider might be on me.

@Home_Halfway

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

@3sunzzz

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.