Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

Her: Penny for your thoughts?

Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?

Her:

Me:

Her: Can I have my money back please?!

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.