Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
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Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
my mind
You just read my mind
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
mariah carrie
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No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Remember folks 😂
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