Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
You Might Also Like
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My wedding will be open casket.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.