Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
me and my fake scenarios
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Me: Alexa, make me breakfast.
Alexa: Okay, you’re breakfast.
Me: No I mean…
Alexa: Lol! What a moron. 🤣