Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.