Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
found this cool rock hiking today
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.