Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I’d love this…lol
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart